I didn't shave. On purpose
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
