saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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