just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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