new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
