he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
