i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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