He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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