I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
