I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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