AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize