He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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