I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
