I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
