My sheets look like a crime scene.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
