evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
