just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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