Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
