last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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