Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We left an ass print on the piano.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
