I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
