I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
