I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
