I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
