His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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