some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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