Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
