I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
