Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
