I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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