woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just had sex on a roof
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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