Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My vagina just clenched in fear
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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