my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm jealous of your bromance
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just googled if crying burns calories
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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