She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
