On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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