Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
