I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
