Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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