Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
