All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
