i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
