Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
