OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
