Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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