If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize