so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
