I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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