I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
