this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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