I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
