I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize