I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
