This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
