she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
