she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
