How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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