He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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