Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
