Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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