im having a threesome with these popsicles
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
