Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
