I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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